In just a moment..

I can't believe it.. 
Nanu is no more.. Nanu.. Mamma's dad.. Nanu.. I didn't even know him that well..
It was going to be his birthday on 14th January.. only 18 days..


26th December.. I think by 5 pm.. He passed away. I was asleep when my parents called back home..
The sound of my mother and Masi crying woke me up. I didn't even know how to feel.. I couldn't believe it..
That Nanu died, that's not making me cry. It's seeing my mom and her family fall apart.. It's hearing them, not seeing them cry.. it's the pain in their voices.. it's been 3000 miles or so far away.
It's the fact that my mother did not even get to see her father for the last time.. and from what I now know, neither did my father. He couldn't be there on time when Dadi passed away..
A clear example that nothing good can come from living so far away.


I wish I knew him better. I wish I didn't live so far away. Now he'll only be a memory, just jokes and puzzles. He always asked me to read him the hindi newspaper, because my hindi was so much better than my sister's. He always asked us puzzles, just for fun.. jokes..


Just till day before.. it was okay, not good, but ok. Everyone thought, and hoped that Nanu had time. He was probably holding on.. till his last daughter could make it..
But he's free of the pain. All that pain he went through since last year.. we should be thankful about that at least..
No more pain Nanu..
Rest in Peace..

I miss.

I miss Hyderabad. I miss the food. Nan-king, Ohri's, Angeethi. I miss the chat, the Raju-chat corner, the Dimmy's chat corner. I miss the weather, the perfect pleasant winter weather. I miss the summers. I miss how there were hardly any powercuts. I miss the rain. I miss the rainy-day holidays. I miss the times when the school parking lot would get flooded. I miss forgetting all my problems and becoming a kid and jumping around in the water.

I miss school. The stupid, dirty school. I miss the teachers.. Kaju, NV, Asha ma'am. I miss pissing of Sukku with our crazy antics in my last year. I miss the cheaaap classrooms, the scarily bent fans and the scribbled upon benches. I miss the broken windows, the doors which could be opened even if they were locked. I miss pissing off almost all my teachers. I miss being punished. I miss Prabha screaming at us. I miss bunking. I miss PT. I miss playing lame-ass football and cricket and god-knows which other crazy games. I miss those stupid Hobby periods. I miss getting punished on purpose. I miss the school trips, the picnics. I miss the parking lot. I miss those shops outside, Priya stores. I miss the numerous, confusing galiyan. I miss the holi and diwali celebrations at school, and after school. I miss those stupid events that came up during the school year. I miss the farewell, the annual day. I miss the times we spent preparing for it.

I miss my friends. I miss Siddhu, the times in the auto. I miss Spoon and MJ, my first best friends. I miss the lame, cute, kiddy times with them. I miss Shreya, her lunch and the holi times. I miss Alan, and her being worried about me all the time. I miss Aishani, and us dancing all the time. I miss being rowdy with her and abusing the guys. I miss Murtu, the freak. I miss how he could be totally rude to totally sweet in the same conversation. I miss Ajab, and our crazy times in the auto. I miss AK, I miss fighting with him. I miss Roy, and him being all cute and lame. I miss each and every person from 7-D, 8-D and 9-D. No other class could be better than ours. I miss Kevin, I miss texting him. Entertaining him. I miss crazy Muppa and Megha, always being there for me. I miss hugging them. I miss Nea, our chat sessions on Yahoo! Messenger. I miss Nagarjun, and him taking snapshots of our chats and posting them on Orkut. I miss Vikram, and our good times. I miss Pragun.. why did you leave so early? I miss Basu, Kela, Yash. I miss Kunal. I miss him dropping me home so many times, listening to my sad-sad stories. I miss how people thought we were dating. I miss Mrinalini. I miss her being my neighbour, I miss bunking tuition. I miss going to her terrace, to Gharonda. I miss just going for walks with her, I miss sitting near the lift and talking. I miss the times when we just caught random autos from school to home and vice-versa. I miss my sister, my twin sister, MY best friend, MY Mrinalini. I miss her teddy-bear hugs. The random shoe-fights. I miss reading her mind, completing her sentences. I miss her doing the same to me. I miss her advice. I miss my life.

I miss my house. Padmarao Nagar, Belvedre Gardens. C block, 201. I miss the rooms. The balcony which always remained shut due to stupid monkeys. I miss my bed. I miss my computer, the table. I miss my books, all of them. I miss secretly opening my mum's cupboard to steal pictures of my childhood. I miss how much food we got delivered at home. I miss the house where I learned some of the most important lessons of my life. I miss the house I came to when I was happy, sad. Crazy, sober. I miss the house where I got my first ever surprise birthday party. I miss the house from where I made the friends I'll keep all my life <3

I miss the places. I miss Necklace Road, the bhutta. I miss how I watched almost every movie at Prasads, it was like my 3rd home. I miss travelling in autos. Alone, with people. I miss Eat Street. I even miss the stalkers, millions of them. I miss telling them to buzz off. I miss the shopping. I miss the people. I miss the festive atmosphere during Diwali, Holi, Eid, Christmas, New Year. I miss the airport.

I miss home.

Finally.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

That's how excited I am! YES!
It's been two years since I saw him..
So bloody glad I'm gonna seeee himmmm! :D

Umm.. let me begin clearly but.
Since me and my family aren't the official citizens of Jakarta, we need to keep getting the Visa things renewed.. like every 6 months or so. And when that happens, we need to leave the country for a few days..
There isn't any other place than Singapore actually.. So off we go to Singapore. Last I went in December 2009, celebrated Christmas there..
Vowed I'll never go there again, cuz I didn't really like the place as much. It's just a hype among most people, I feel.
It was also pissing off cuz when I reached there, my one friend who studies there, wasn't in Singapore. He'd left for India :( and every other time I went there, he was always in India! :(

But finally. I'm going to Singapore! AND HE IS GONNA BE THEREEEEEEEE!
I am SO excited that nobody knows. I can't wait only! Just 6 more days to go :D

It was sad how he left.. I remember very well that day..
We all signed his T-shirt.. and I was so sad.. I was just getting to know him. :(
And all of a sudden.. he left. Right in the middle of 9th grade. Heart shattering pain happened then.
I too left after 6 months.. then I realized how painful and difficult it must have been for him..
After he left is when I gotta know him so much better than before.
He's such a great friend.. such a sweet guy..
He'll do anything to make a friend happy.
++ he's the one who inspired me to start blogging.. AND he's such a great poet.

He is going to be the first person from Gitanjali I'm gonna meet after leaving school.
I can hardly wait. <3

Miss you Pragun. SEE YOUUUU! xD

My heart stopped beating.

So kiss me like you did,
my heart stopped beating,

So love me like you did,
the memories are fleeting.

So hold me like you did,
I promise not to go,

So have me like you did, 
digging deep below..

So hide me like you did,
take away my presence,

So leave me like you did,
evacuate my essence.

So hate me like you did,
don't clot my endless bleeding,

So kill me like you did, 
my heart stopped beating..

So.. Moving on..

I hate myself sometimes.

I hate taking decisions.. I always get carried away due to emotion.. or if the other person says something nice. Yeah, I totally melt.. my weakness, sweet words..

I hate this fact. I feel so stupid when I take wrong decisions, but then, who doesn’t?

But after all this, I can easily say I’ve learned from my mistakes. Not so much, but yes, a tiny bit. I’ve learned. I agree I was totally stupid before, and still am now.. But at least I know what NOT to do for certain things, if not for all.

Probably the most number of mistakes I’ve made have been in the case of relationships. In case of friends, and in case of love[or what I thought was love -.-] I’ve learned that some friends come.. make an impact on your life and go.. that’s just who they are. And one should learn to accept this fact and move on. I don’t know if I should say I’m lucky in this case or not, but I’ve just had one friend like this. He came, we had good times, he went. Simple. It took me almost a year to come to terms with the fact that he’s gone and won’t ever come back. This was the first time it had ever happened in my life, a sort of falling apart with a close friend. I’m not even sorry for how I behaved after that, I just didn’t know how to deal with it! On top of that the whole moving thing..

Moving on is fucking difficult [trust me, I know]. Without it, you’ll be left behind in this dark little place just full of your sorrows. You’ll become blind to all the happiness around you, all you’ll be able to see is the negative in all.. or probably nothing cuz the tears are blocking your view. I know how people say they’ll never be able to get over certain persons who’ve left their life, I said it myself.. but don’t worry, there will come a time in your life when you will be able to walk down a certain memory lane, full of memories of that one person, with a smile, and not tears. With pure happiness. That, will be when you’ve moved on. For the better..

I read this quote somewhere..

“You don’t stop loving a person. You just learn to love them less..”

I can’t agree more to it! There will always be a part of you that will miss that one special friend you had, or your ex. But with time, you’ll learn to make peace with that part. Gradually, the memories will fade. Slowly, you’ll realize you CAN live without those people. That you can smile. That you can meet new people and make new memories.

Moving on might be one of the most difficult tasks ever given to you by life, but it’s just as important. And if you cannot do it alone, don’t forget, you have your friends. They might not be able to understand the entire significance of the pain you feel, but true friends simply HATE seeing you in pain, and they’d do anything to see you happy..

So yeah.. move on.. Life is pretty, come out of that funk! Play with your baby sister, see her walk and talk for the first time!.. Drool over hot movie stars!.. Read your favorite book or watch your favorite movie, 10 times in a row!.. Cry, cry if it makes you feel better.1. Hog!.. Get a sexy new hairtstyle!

Anything, do absolutely anything that you think will make you feel better..

Who knows, you might find someone even more special after that? ;)

I'm right here.

I can't take this. I want to just.. keep on talking about us.
I miss you. I miss you so much..
I didn't exactly know how much you missed me until I read your blog today. I was so tired one moment, lying down on the bed, then the next second I started reading your post.. and the next second I was crying. Can you believe it? My OWN blog didn't make me cry, but your's did.. I mean like, WTF. :/

I don't know where to start.. I mean, 5th? lol. But I'm sure that this will NEVER end.
I never knew when I met you in 5th that we'd be so close. Closer than normal.. How close, okay I don't have the words to explain that. :|
But yeah.. remember well.. in the auto? We'd all think you were SO weird. I mean, totally hyper. Even me, I used to be like.. "Okay.. what the hell?".. The whole "baingan!" thing.. yeah that was funny but! I kinda started liking you.. you were nice. I liked playing badminton with you. Fun times.
It was very.. random when you went off to your boarding school place. Yeah, then I totally forgot you. There were times maybe, when I'd see your mum and realize you still loved in Phase-2 of Belvedere Gardens. But that was all, mostly. Not until 8th grade did I realize your presence again.
Just some day auto uncle comes and tells me there's another girl joining the auto, and I was like "Bah! Let's see who." You don't know how bloody shocked I was when I saw it was you.. you hadn't changed much, from what I remember. But okay.. school started.. I still thought you were weird. You were in 8B, and somehow, you got quite cosy with Varsha.. oh whattay! It pissed me off so much. Varsha, I was really close to her in in 6th and 7th.. then it was like you snatched her away from me. Those were my exact thoughts. Funny how it turned the other way around after a year..

I don't know HOW, but we bonded. We got along quite well. Maybe it was because we were both so fucking loopy, it was just hilarious. Or maybe, it was because we lived so close to each other, going to school and coming back home together everyday.. I found myself telling you about Abdul, and you understood. You always listened, you always gave me great advice. 8th grade was fun, right? The auto times were fun, especially with Siddhu. I miss him. Remember how we would do crazy stuff to him? He was so cute..
Oh, we I joined math tuition in 8th too, right? Yeah.. tuition was great! lol. I miss Sir. I miss us walking all the way to that place, stopping over at Gharonda.. Oh.
In 8th itself, I got over my jealousy of you. I was cool with your friendship with her, you guys were sweet together. I kinda don't remember 8th now. Let's talk about 9th, so much more important.
9th. Oh, it was a big question if I was even gonna go back to Gitanjali. But I did, with full knowledge that this is my final year in Gitanjali. I didn't really know what, or how, to feel. But yeah.. 9th started.. was quite weird..
9th was the high point of our friendship. We spent sooooooo much time together, that it almost got unbearable lol (remember on the trip?) yeah.. but I'll never get sick of how much ever time with you.. I crave that now. That comfort.. that simple happiness on our faces.. the silly talks..
Your hugs. So soft.. so warm.. so safe.. never felt so blissful hugging a girl, you know? :)
Our lists.. remember? Oh god.. Cutest guys.. Cutest couples.. People that should date.. ha! I have them still. I  cherish those memories. We made them sitting in your building, ground floor.. near the lift.. on that high marble stone thing we sat on. Oh that place holds such memories..
Us studying before the math exam, or better, you teaching me and me not understanding anything.. just laughing my head off crazily, because I was SO terrified of math I was high. Us running away from that cute girl.. Rama? Yeah. She was cute, the spitting thing was gross though :/
Our walks to tuition. Or umm.. what our parents thought were walks to tuition, but which actually were walks up to your terrace and climbing up the water tank xD That place.. again, such great memories. I felt great sitting there, it was what I'd always wanted. A secret hide-out with my best friend, and that's exactly what it was. We'd lie down and notice silly shapes in the sky.. teddies.. hearts? You'd put your head on my legs to lie down, and I'd scream deliriously because it tickled so much. We actually sat on a water tank, one that was still functioning. Dangerous? Yeah whatever. :D We'd open the lid, wet our hands and make little baby paw shapes.. they'd dry, we'd do them again. It was our getaway from things unwanted. I have a feeling that if I was still in Hyderabad, and you had still moved to Chennai.. I'd go up to that place whenever I needed you. It made me laugh, and cry, when you told me you'd complained about some other girls going up to sit there to talk.. you were jealous, yeah? So good..

Ok.. I'm crying now..

We had so many talks about our future, and our past. Remember you telling me about Parkwood, and your experiences there? NELLY! :D Your diaries getting confiscated, your whole damn timetable being so sucky!, your friends there. Oh what fun listening to stories! We're such storytellers, we always make stuff interesting. :D Oh.. then.. our..  talks about certain other things. I'm sure you know what I mean ;)
But seriously, our conversations, when not downright confusing for other people to follow, were so meaningful, right? Never did I hesitate to tell you about anything.. I told you my deepest darkest secrets, my most loopy moments. Nope, no worries.. you were just ac crazy :D
I told you about how things were at home.. how sick I was of my mom sometimes.. how much I missed dad.. how much I did  NOT want to leave you, Hyderabad, or any of our other friends.. and you always said things that made me feel better, somehow. And if there was nothing to say, you just hugged me. That was all I needed. Just talking to you made me feel so much more lighter.. simpler.. like you were sharing my load.

I'm proud to say that we haven't REALLY fought with each other.. the less-than-one-day thing doesn't count, you know. I couldn't, and still can't, live without telling you about each and every important thing in my life.
There was a time in 9th when I was very confused about my feelings for you, but let's just not go there..
Oh god 9th again! Tuition! FAREWELL! Oh the lies. Oh your parents finding out.. Oh the drama. :|
Remember how towards the end of 9th, we almost always stayed back after school? To get stuff xeroxed, or just to chill? lol.. I wonder how much money we spent on our auto rides. Oh, we also stared GOING to school early in the mornings, remember? Why.. wait I can't seem to place that.

I didn't even realize it, and boom! 9th was over! And one day, out of the blue, you inbox me telling you're leaving to Mumbai for holidays.. and that you probably won't be there when I leave. Oh gah, crappy feeling. But the day you left.. oh love, ugh. I was crying.. for two reasons. One was you leaving, and the other doesn't matter anymore. I couldn't believe it, this could probably well be the last time I'd see you till god knows when. Unbelievable. I was so terrified that day.. I'd have kept hugging for long if you didn't really have to leave that time..
But promises. We promised we'd keep in touch. We'd promised we'd never let go. It just wasn't possible..
You weren't there for my so-called-farewell thing, and it broke my heart. You weren't there(atleast physically) when I needed a hug. But you'd given me such a great gift before you had left, that blue diary. Even though it was supposed to be a surprise, you'd let me have a look at it MUCH before I was supposed to. Very funny that you were the only one who wasn't able to write in it.. :| I still see that book whenever I'm down, and since you're NOT in it, you're the first person I think of when I see it.
I left Hyderabad. You went back after a while. We were both depressed in our respective cities and countries. Just not right when we were kept away..
I used to think about it everyday. Magna, in the auto, tuition, school, water tank, my place, your place. Such happy times.

Our relationship is one of my MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS. Something that I'll never let go of, something I'll never forget. You went from being pissing off-bitch to lovable-bitch. From just neighbor, to my soul sister. From acquaintance, to best friend. My twin. 
It doesn't matter that we live MILES away from each other, I feel so much closer to you now. We're going through the very same things. 
You understood without me having to say anything, you completed my sentences. You looked out for me, like an elder sister. You gave me the best advice ever. I miss you. My heart misses you. 
It's gut-wrenching pain sometimes to read your messages and not be able to hug you.


This post can not do justice to my feelings.
I miss you. I LOVE you.
I'll never let go. It will always be the same, only better.


You know I love you.. so very much.. so so so much..
Also, very jealous of your writing skills :/

Bitch. <3